Today I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my head, it is hard to filter through the noise. I sat down with a cup of coffee and my Bible to gain some insight, some new perspective…something. I love it when I’m reading a passage, and the words jump right off the page. That does not always happen.
Even when God’s direction and voice don’t seem clear in that moment, the Holy Spirit holds these words in my heart. I still believe.
I love my Bible. It’s the best present I’ve ever received. It’s battered and dog-eared. It has many highlights and underlines, and side remarks. Even doodles from times my attention was elsewhere. I like reading a passage, and seeing something that was meant for me to hear at a different time. That’s the power of the Word. A passage can mean different things to different people, and show you a new message at a different time.
When I re-dedicated my life to the Lord in 2003, I dove into the words because I wanted to know how I should be living. If we are called to be followers of Christ, what does that mean? What are his commands, and how do we accomplish this? This is probably why I love the Apostle Paul so much. He guides and shows how to live it out. He makes it practical. I had such a craving for this daily bread to fill me up. I read the whole book through in just a few months.
Funny, I sat down to write about my emotions, and now I sound like a preacher. Let it flow Lord!
When I first felt the calling to write this blog, I prayed and prayed about it. I wanted to do His will. To let His words flow, to be used for a purpose that I didn’t yet know. I knew there was a purpose in this, but I still don’t know the full extent of it. I felt another desperate desire to dive into His Word again. Let me just say, I do not read my Bible faithfully everyday. I am guilty of clinging more to my faith when times get tough. But I do pray all day long, in a constant conversation with the Lord. Admittedly, I do most of the talking. Anyway, words and phrases kept jumping out at me over and over again. Songs on the radio, or just words in my head repeating. But, I felt that same calling; to hear His word.
I knew He was up to something.
My heart told me to go straight to the book of Acts. Jesus commanded his followers to “go and make disciples.” This book is the story of what the disciples did after he ascended into heaven. So this book was the “now what?” part of the story.
If God has called me to do this, now what?
So I dove in. Through Paul’s words, I was reminded that if I step out in faith and write about Him. I would be persecuted for Him. Okay Lord, so this won’t be easy for me. Point taken. I’m just going to have to gear up for it. Then my counselor told me that her church just happened to be doing a study, based on a book about “putting on the armor of God.”
I see what you did there.
So back to my reading: Paul’s account shows so much tenacity. He goes from place to place, basically evangelizing most of the known world at that time. He was persecuted, beaten, jailed, yet he stayed the course. He picked up and moved on to the next place. He loved, and shared, and was given much love in return.
I’m always a little jealous because he clearly understood his purpose. The Lord called, and he went, and his efforts were rewarded. I have spent so many years praying for God’s purpose for my life. Yes, I admit, I want the plan just laid out for me. I’m a big picture kind of person. I want to know! I want to know the path, and faithfully follow it, marching with my head held high in confidence. I know if I make a bad choice, that it will render consequences unforeseen. I’d rather skip that. So the Holy Spirit quietly reminds me to “wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)
Sigh. Okay God. I will try to be patient. Then I start praying that if a decision I’m pondering is not the right one, that He would make it abundantly clear! Stop me. Slap me upside the head; whatever it takes! He’s done that for me in just a few hours of praying that prayer before, so I have no qualms about praying it!
I haven’t done any fancy writing that would earn me any accolades. That’s not my intention. I wanted to reach out to other moms who are dealing with similar situations to mine. Other moms who are separated from their children and are hurting. I thought that was the direction God was taking me. Perhaps it still is. This blog has stirred up plenty of emotions. I had no doubts that it would cause a stir in my family. What surprises me is that I started this blog for my own healing and perhaps other moms, but God is using it in my own family. I know that emotions are high, but I praise God. My daughter who holds her emotions in has been letting them fly! She thinks I will be angry with her words. It makes me happy that she is letting it out. We had another long talk. I don’t know if it helped. I only have control over myself. I can only do what I have the power to do; which is to speak the truth, and reassure her of my love. I don’t have any control over how she takes it. That is all I can do.
In the midst of intense emotional situations, remember that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” (Psalms 34:18) We have been crushed and broken for so long Lord, hold us closer.
It will get worse before it gets better. Wading through the emotions is never easy. I will continue to seek sanctuary under His wings. I will continue to pray for healing and truth. I will continue to take my daily bread.
I will continue.