This is not one of those blogs where I give you the “top 5” ways to improve your life. Please don’t think that I’ve gotten things figured out, and now that I’m all better, I can show you how. My healing journey is not over. No. Not even close.
When you scroll through Pinterest, you see a lot of bulleted lists of how to do just about everything. These pages make you think these people have the secrets of life figured out, or at least how to get your oven clean. Social media sometimes leaves us feeling inadequate, as we compare ourselves to others. The wonders of technology also have a tremendous amount of power. Power to link us to people that we would never encounter in our daily lives. It’s actually how my husband and I met.
Anyway, back to the reason for the blog…
These last few years have been a real doosie for me. My husband knew I was depressed and needed help before I did. Even after I knew I needed counseling, I still procrastinated. Eventually, things in my personal life collided with my performance at work, until I finally realized, it was time to bring in the professionals. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t cope with life. Hadn’t I already been through a tough season in life, when I got divorced? I managed that like a champ. Sure it was hard dealing with the girls being gone, but why was it harder than before?
Then, I realized the difference.
I had been through some tough times in my personal life, but work was my escape. I had done well, and was working my way up through the ranks. Suddenly, for the first time, I wasn’t doing so well at work. When home life is tough, you can have some peace while at work. But, when work life became tough too, I was losing on all fronts. I was overwhelmed with the thought “I can’t win. I’m trying hard at everything in life, but I just can’t win.” Defeatism consumed me. Anxiety set in. I would get panicky if I felt like I wasn’t seeing the right results, not wanting to disappoint anyone. Emotionally, I just fell into moments of despair. I just wanted to cry.
So, I started counseling.
Back in January, I started praying for healing in my family. I begged God to heal all of us, in whatever way He deemed necessary. A bold prayer, I know. I felt like I had done all I could to make things better. I tried so many years to make everyone happy. In reality, I didn’t make anyone happy. Especially not me. When I told the counselor about my prayer, she said that me being there was the starting point in my healing. I don’t know why it struck a chord with me. Its seems blatantly obvious, but I hadn’t even considered that! I thought “Duh, Nik!”
I’ve started down this road to save my sanity, and gain some perspective. It will not be an easy journey. This blog is to share my journey. For others to share their journey. I know there are plenty of other Hot Mess Mommas out there!